ruminator embodiment

I always have a knack for remembering useless things. Think my mind has a tendency to fill my memory storage with useless matters before I get to proceed to think about my problems. And I ponder over them endlessly too (till I've got a definite answer). Here's a list of what I've been ruminating lately:

1. Why do I always love to write important details in abbreviations? I can't remember what they mean when I read them again!
2. How come drivers of normal-sized vehicles (sedans like a 1.5 Toyota Vios) can occupy two lanes on a straight road as if they're driving an Isuzu container lorry? 
3. Or that some vehicles speed just to overtake your vehicle, only to drive at 30% the speed in front of you?
4. How come consuming coffee can keep one awake yesterday and not today?
5. How come chips from one bag can be evenly seasoned and another of the same flavor not?
6. There are days when I paused to think of how to spell simple words like 'straight'. (Oh god I must be turning dumber) 
7. I've been counting the number of dramas that I stopped watching at the second last episode as I don't want the series to end with me watching their last episodes. And I realized it's A LOT. You''ll most probably get a response like this from me, "Oh that drama? Yeah I've watched it till the second last episode so I can't really tell you if I think it's fantastic or not. Up to that point, I think it'll get a 7/10 but knowing me, I'll fail it as soon as I know it's a terrible/utterly depressing/hasty ending."
8. Workaholics can also be defined as a group of people who naturally work compulsively once they stepped into their workplace or working mode but once they stop or leave, they find that they hate their jobs. But hey, it's a vicious cycle.
9. Silence is never 'golden' in the library. Just head down to the one in my school.
10. It's not that women don't like answering questions relating to their age. It's just that when a female reaches a ripe old age of 25, she just doesn't see the point of keeping count after that.

how do you comfort a loved one?

A person who's very dear to me has lost a loved one. But I've no idea how to comfort him and make him feel less painful. Should I sit down and cry with him as I'm feeling sad too? Or should I try to be as cheerful and make him laugh so that he will brighten up a little, at least a little?

I Am

I am ...
A woman
With a full heart, hidden
Somewhere in an empty room ...
With eyes not quite of autumn's gold, and yet
Neither all of summer's green;
I wonder ...
If love is a tale made for children --
A granting of sweet dreams in their innocence --
A honey-coating to help their throats
Choke down the bitter draught ...
I hear ...
A voice that whispers warnings, half-formed,
Bodiless as hope, until I swear I cannot draw
Another breath unless this spectre be unmasked,
His lies mangled ‘neath my righteous tread;
I see ...
A woman, proud, uncompromising,
Diaphanous as air -- less, even, than the tears
That fall in desolation about her weary feet,
Salt poison pooled upon the withered ground ...
I want ...
A measure of quietude, a certain silence,
The echo of alone which heals me of dreaming,
The nothing that stills the wanting,
The numb, the cold that laughs at pain;
I am
A woman,
hidden ...

I pretend ...
That I can live forever -- that Time
Has no puissance but that which I afford Him --
And so, I can wait, I can be happy tomorrow,
Sleep is for the dead; but its ghosts haunt my waking ...
I feel ...
Too much -- too deeply to be directionless,
Too real for imagining, and yet the familiar eyes
Hold nothing of recognition -- only my reflection --
A meeting of shadows in sunlit glass;
I touch ...
The downy wings of hope, in wonder,
In reverence, in need, in hunger;
Alas, it burns my fingers as a flame,
A sacrilege, self-defined ...
I worry ...
That I am alone; that in my longing
I have forsaken all -- but oh, what reward,
What smile divine should light the path to freedom --
And how can I but heed the siren's call?
I cry ...
For having too much, for fear of bursting,
And then, when by the pouring of my soul
I lie, a vessel emptied, I cry again
For what was had, and lost;
I am
A woman,
empty ...

I understand
That life is what you make it,
That sometimes, the coat of many colors
That marks your triumphs brightly, blends only
To loneliest of grey ...
I say
That we are made by life, shaped,
Broken, perhaps -- unmade and voided --
But always, the core of us remains, waiting
With only faith, with trust, to be reborn;
I dream
Of bluest waters, reaching
With unnatural hands toward the faded sky,
Of dolphins that wander in seas without limits,
Carrying me water-breathing past corals and clouds ...
I try ...
To lead by example, knowing
That merely the telling holds no power;
A gift of giving is merely a day, while
A gift of knowing spans forever;
I hope ...
That my darkness holds you gently,
That pain is halved by sharing, that feeling
Wields nothing past the words it summons,
Except that it touch you with only healing ...
I am
A woman,
only.


~Skyfyre

頑張ります!

Came across this quote that I like very much:

"The quality of your life depends less on what you are doing with your body, and more on what you are doing with your time and spirit. Keep your soul nourished and everything else will fall into place."

Even though my circumstances resulted in me having a job I don't like, I do feel alive and rejuvenated whenever I'm studying. These steps I'm taking may seem like baby steps, but the time and the joy of working on my chosen field of interest in university constantly remind me that I have to keep moving on to my goal regardless of the odds.

頑張ります! (I'll try my best!)

a simple Thanks

It has been a whirlwind-kind of ride for the past few weeks. I'm grateful for those who helped me get through it.

Thanks to a few of my classmates and friends (especially "pink and baby blue juniors") for being so understanding about the difficulties I have juggling work and studies. You have no idea how much support both of you have given me since I started this course and I really appreciate it.

More importantly, thanks to my dear for enduring all the irrational and unreasonable behavior I have been having towards you everyday. Instead of escaping from me, my whole load of burdens, and my appalling mood swings; you stayed beside me throughout it all.

Thank you.

gone

Gone, gone are those friends
in which naught replaces close in its definition.

Gone, gone are those essential conversations
that forms the important part of relationships in life.

Gone, gone are those flickers of happiness
no matter how ethereal they may be.

Gone, gone are those moments
never to be re-captured ever again.

Gone, gone are those chances
when you could have changed those bad decisions then.

Gone, gone are those carefree days
where together with your childhood, your youth,
and all the sunshine and laughter,
become past memories you long for now.

Gone, gone are those vibrant colors of life,
that fade away along with your very own existence

~ A.W.

Personal Life by Tokyo Jihen

東京事変 - 私生活
Uploaded by utadalove. - Music videos, artist interviews, concerts and more.

I'm wasting oxygen, seas, gasoline, and a lot of kindnesses.
I'm working for life and eating up the city.
I hope that the mechanism of your left cheek doesn't fall into disorder when you smile.

To the fair wind here, please blow for me.
Things behind me are just memories.
When I'm able to take in the opposing wind, I'll finally be renewed.

I'm wasting sunsets, Autumns, and a few encounters.
I keep on going back and forth, to butter up people/the times/the age.
I must seem miserable and pathetic in your eyes.

Compass, now, please show me where I am and point to the right direction.
Even if I have to memorize the existing maps, I'll definitely head towards you.

I want to stay gently close to you when you are feeling alright.
How long is there for me to live? Please don't go away.
Let me catch up with you. Please wait a little while more.
You're living your life, further and further away from me.
This makes up how I lead my life.

a dedication to the now 25-year-old me

Some songs have become part of my life. It can be a piece of memory embedded in it. A source of inspiration or determination to just do your best. Or a companion that changes along with your mood.

"If we hold on together" by Diana Ross and Utada Hikaru's "First Love" remind me of how me and my girlfriends used to sing them in my secondary school days. "Soar" by Christina Aguilera and Martina McBride's "Anyway" never fails to put me on the right track from procrastination or the point of giving up. (The latter song reminds me of Shin Na (my Feb '09 archive) too.)

For more than five years, I have a habit of listening to "かわらないこと～since 1976～" (Things That Don't Change) by Kokia on my birthdays. I first saw it on MTV and was mesmerized by its lyrics and the feelings that seem to exude from Kokia's singing ever since. Once again, I clicked on this song again subconsciously 34 minutes into my birth date.

Everyone has his/her own interpretations of a song and its lyrics. To me, this track is about gratitude for the little things that remain unchanged in life such as family's love, that makes you want to do your best in everything. And most importantly, to always be myself.

mood = stormy

Which is worse: Not knowing what you want in life and spend your days confused, or knowing exactly what you want in life and everything just does not fall in place no matter how hard you try?

Been feeling troubled by the same old problems for several years, to the extent they are like old 'friends' likened to wounds now. These are the hidden wounds that everyone has, at least one, depending on one's own definition of 'problem'.

Even the personal mantra of 'putting on your best mood, to face the worst situations', a literal translation of my favorite mandarin saying, have overstretched my limits of optimism.

It is pretty frustrating and depressing to find that no matter how hard one tries to make things even a least bit better continuously for such a long time, regardless of how optimistic one tries to be despite carrying a heavy heart; there is bound to be the final straw that marks the point of giving up.

Shin Na & Breast Cancer

Another unit through and done with. But what's not over and done with is the stories I have gathered and will remember while researching on my project. The most prominent one that stuck in my head is this blog which opened my eyes to a person's route to looming death. It has me thinking more deeply about cancer, life and loved ones.

I had to do this major assignment about the best media/showcase to find information related to breast cancer. We had a real client this time, which is the Breast Cancer Foundation. The main point here is to find creative yet realistic ways to improve communication means between the publics (in PR, there's no such thing as a single public) and raise awareness about breast cancer.

Before the formulation of a strategy comes research. So while researching on breast cancer online, I came across this blog whose blogger has passed on in this world - http://shinscancerblog.blogspot.com/.

You might have read a recent news article about a TV journalist donating her body to medical research; or seen any one of the documentaries about her called 'Gentle Good-byes' and 'In the Face of Death'. Yes, that's her. Her name is Shin Na, and she was diagnosed with breast cancer in December 2005.

After reading her posts, I was simply amazed at how pragmatic and strong one cancer patient can be, especially like what the documentary's title said, "in the face of death". It is hard not to like her after reading her posts, which circles around her life with her two adorable kids, her husband and her battle with breast cancer. I have not seen any of those documentaries but I'm certain that reading her blog is much more personalized and heartfelt than just watching them.

She looked far, like how she wanted her husband to tell her children of her death; and how her memorial service was going to be. She seemed to have thought about her children's lives without her often. Here's what she said in an unpublished post published by her husband:

"Shin's post (10 Dec 2008).......

People want to leave a mark on this world, leave behind a legacy, be immortalized in history books. That's never seemed important to me. After all, why would I care what people remember or think or say about me after I'd dead and gone? I'll be gone, after all.

The only reason leaving behind any kind of legacy is important to me is for my kids. If they can't have a living mother, at least they can have the memories of a mother who loved them to pieces. That isn't about me being encapsulated in their hearts and minds so that my existence on Earth will not have been for naught; it's about giving the kids something, anything to replace the mother who had to leave them too early. "

Here's a tribute to a brave warrior. I'm dedicating "Anyway" by Martina McBride, one of her favorite songs, in remembrance of her; those who have gone; others who are fighting this illness; and their families and loved ones.



Here, I'll like to make a point for everyone, including guys, to go for early screenings for breast cancer as early detection can cure it. Everyday, there are 3 - 4 diagnosis of breast cancer diagnosed. Please don't be the one to add on to the death statistics.

(These Pink Ribbon pins were given to me at the courtesy of 'Friendship Sponsors'. Left with pink crystals: Joyce, right: Christina. Thanks gals! You can get these pins at the Breast Cancer Foundation for $2 - $5 each, all for charity.)

A note to myself:
1) Cherish my loved ones every second for every single day.
2) Cherish myself & my health (been badly neglected)
3) When the going gets tough, the tough gets going :)